Devinare

2011-04-26T09:26:00.001-07:00

i feel like a prisoner in my own home

2011-04-24T19:06:00.001-07:00

i miss u more on holidays.

2011-04-13T01:45:00.000-07:00

how do I always get caught up in text sex?
maybe when a guy transitions for how themarsvolta's secret show into how badly I need to be spanked.

"Imagine i just played a show and you were there up front staring at me thinking about sucking my cock and all these girls and cheering for us. Then when were done i take you backstage and just bend you over and fuck you so hard. Wouldnt you love that?"

Wait. . .you now sound like a complete douche.

A lime tree for you

2011-04-08T10:40:00.000-07:00

don't be so amazing or I'll miss you too much.

Alexander Duran

2011-04-06T10:30:00.000-07:00

Stop l u r k i n g, creeper.

but if you continue to lurk, you should
1) buy a ticket to Coachella
2) catch a ride with me from Palos Altos to LA
3) pick up benzo and drive me to Coachella
4) delete devinare.blogspot from your rss reader thing

kthnx

this is my Yellow Bird

2011-04-05T18:44:00.000-07:00

HOLY.FUCK.ME.

So today I was wandering through life feeling stressed, slightly off, and generally sad. I was dwelling on all the negatives about my upcoming Northern Adventure and Coachella (still not sure how I'm getting there.) Then my friend, Andrew, sends me a recording of Bright Eyes at Austin City Limits before Wide Awake/Digital Ash was released and I realize HOLY.FUCK.5.SHOWS.ONE.WEEK

Starting Thursday, I am leaving Los Angeles to follow Bright Eyes along the West Coast.
There is no other way I would want to spend my spring break.

Conor, Daniel, cute outfits, roadtrippin, dates.

Desires

2011-04-05T17:26:00.000-07:00

Somedays I just want to have unapologetically wild sex. I want this for myself and for my pleasure.
But I don't want it with some guy in Santa Barbara who calls me "baby" and asks me to "suck on it"

I also refuse to be slut-shamed for these desires

Heavy Hearted

2011-04-05T09:12:00.000-07:00

There are certain mornings, when it's too cold to jump out of bed and the sun's rays are sprinkled across my body, that I just lay in bed and think. Lately my days have been filled with as many people as possible. So those waking moments are the few minutes I gve myself to be completely alone--something I've feared since last December. I usually think of the past weekend. Of the people I spent it with. The boys with long hair who thought they could make me feel good but whose lips were too thin and grammar too incorrect. I begin to wonder what it would take to make me feel good again--really good not this good I've convinced myself to believe. Before I thought it was the idea of knowing others want me but I've realized that my scars may be deeper than I first judged. You've probably scarred me for future relationship, but I probably shouldn't keep using "you." You've probably been able to escape these feelings. I didn't do anything, so I should be able to too. It's not too often that these thoughts cross my mind, but for those few minutes my heart sinks so low that it feels as if I am anchored to my bed. The moment passes and I can pick myself up, slide into my velvet minidress and platforms, and convince myself it's going to be a good day. It usually is.

Post 084.

2009-09-16T20:42:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wish we really did live together.

nights and weeks like these are hard to get through.

Post 083.

2009-09-11T12:06:00.000-07:00

"you know, i hate to say this because i know you're down about it, but i love when he doesn't have the time to spend with you because then i get you all to myself. like it use to be. and when i'm down here i'm down for you"

Post 082.

2009-09-10T22:48:00.001-07:00

i'm at war with head versus heart and it's always this way

Post 081.

2009-07-29T00:47:00.000-07:00

FUTURE

ever since my sophomore year of high school, i've dreamed of attending UC Berkeley. i've visited the campus twice and each has given me more motivation. i am on the cusp of finishing my first class at smc and becoming a full time student this fall. i have to pay for my classes by august 3, so today i double-checked to make sure i was pleased with what i will be taking (English 1, Cultural Anthropology, Women's Studies 20, and Communictions 10) i went to assist.org, which help me pick these classes by showing what i need to be a media studies transfer student, (i was also keeping my option as a communications major at ucla open) and i found what might be the perfect major for me at a school i thought was only for math and science nerds. the major is Literary Journalism and the only school that offers it is University of California, Irvine.

i went to uci's website and this is their description of literary journalism:

The Literary Journalism Major
The newest major offered by the Department of English, Literary Journalism, was created to meet the needs of a growing number of students who wish to read, study and write nonfiction prose that has transcended the limits of daily journalism. This is prose that has evolved into a distinct branch of literature, prose that adopts the aims and techniques of the finest fiction. The program provides majors with a solid foundation in nonfiction writing and an equally solid background in areas such as literary history, which together will help make them more informed writers.

Literary journalism is an emerging field of study that is known by varying names, including creative nonfiction, the literature of fact and literary nonfiction. The Nieman Foundation at Harvard University holds an annual national conference on narrative journalism; there are anthologies devoted to it; many colleges offer courses in it, or feature it as an option within their majors. UCI's program builds on existing departmental strengths: its nationally ranked programs in creative writing, literature and literary theory. Literary Journalism majors take three intensive writing seminars, and are expected to develop a portfolio of work by graduation which they can present as evidence of their skill for purposes of employment or future education. At the same time, majors are asked to take a comprehensive look at the theory, history and context of literary journalism. Among other forms, they study and write narratives, memoirs, profiles, histories and personal essays, in subject areas as varied as science, politics, justice, travel, sports, food and popular culture. They use as models a multitude of writers, ranging from Daniel Defoe, James Boswell and Stephen Crane to George Orwell, John Hersey, Lillian Ross, Joseph Mitchell, Gay Talese, John McPhee, Joan Didion, Tom Wolfe, Tracy Kidder, Calvin Trillin, Hunter Thompson, Truman Capote and Norman Mailer.

While it differs from an applied journalism major that focuses primarily on newspaper writing, the major in Literary Journalism is excellent preparation for students planning to enter graduate programs in journalism, as well as for those interested in the many careers requiring sophisticated writing skills.

if you know me, this is everything i'm interested in. for the past 4 years i've known that journalism is for me, and writing has become part of who i am, but when i thought about majoring in journalism i always feared that i would just be writing strictly news. straigt-forward, lacking creativity, NEWS! then i stumbled upon this and may i say, this is the best of both worlds.

Cal is my dream, and i have no doubt that i will one day end up there, but now i realize that i can be flexible, and when i am i find things like this.

Post 080.

2009-07-28T02:38:00.000-07:00

as long as i have you by my side nothing in the world can bring me down, nothing.

i need you bebe
cause i love you

Post 079.

2009-07-19T23:24:00.000-07:00

times are changing and people are changing
yet, you, and we, remain the same.

i'm so grateful that you're in my life.

Post 078.

2009-07-08T11:02:00.001-07:00

if i was skinny i would not feel insecure, i'm pretty positive about that.
so i have new goals this summer :]

Post 077.

2009-07-01T19:08:00.000-07:00

he's back for the third time this week,
and i can smell it on him.
there's nothing or no one who can help me, but myself.
i have to be strong, and i will, because i can.

Post 076.

2009-06-29T01:11:00.000-07:00

so this guy i knew in intermediate school added me on myspace. it was nice because he was always really nice and we were in a few plays together. he mentioned hanged out and i was excited, time to catch up. . .but then this happened

devin: i need a job. i NEED monies
alfred: u got all the time in the world. . .
alfred: not really but what's the rush
alfred: its not like you're goin on a fancy date
devin: haha true, i guess
alfred: i mean unless i ask, or wind up lost in hollywood. just a thought
alfred: but how will you know i'm lost in hollywood, hmm

lolz i thought this was hilarious.
sweet talking and cheesy lines
oh 1am lolz :]

Post 075.

2009-06-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

i can't be this strong. it's hard

i don't know what to do

Post 074.

2009-06-16T01:55:00.000-07:00

i wish there was someone, anyone, that could bring me cough medicine

because i honestly think i'm going to feel miserable this whole night

and i need some sleep.

but sleep is hard to come by when you're coughing for 5 minutes straight.

why are you in pico? and why are you still up north?

wahh

Post 073.

2009-05-27T07:09:00.001-07:00

today i awoke with my eyes swollen from salt water and sleep deprivation

if i dreamed last night, i haven't the faintest idea

i feel, to some extent, broken

and i am clueless to how to fix myself

The body aches and that ache takes its time

but you'll get over yours, and i'll get over mine

Post 072.

2009-05-26T22:17:00.000-07:00

it literally feels like someone punched me in the heart

my chest feels like it's caving in on me

breathing is something i have to remember to do, and when i do, it hurts.

ouch.

Post 071.

2009-05-19T21:24:00.000-07:00

that's it, i did it, i'm ready, and i'm here

i'm officially a student at santa monica college

i'm on the verge of so much. i have so many options that are open for me to grab at. now all i have to do is wait 10 more days, and jump. i get this one chance to lose myself and i'm going to take full advantage of it. when my feet leave that cliff i've been pacing for months, i get to leave everything and everyone behind me. i can cut the bad ties and form new ones.

world i'm here, i'm ready, now take me.

Post 070.

2009-05-12T21:27:00.000-07:00

i'm still wait for you to feel this

This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her, but you don't
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me
Yeah, she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me

Post 069.

2009-05-09T10:54:00.000-07:00

last night made me feel like the old us, the old me, and that's the worst part

Post 068.

2009-03-26T23:21:00.000-07:00

best site for everything jason schwartzman?

http://jasonschwartzman.tumblr.com/

and i would know

Post 067.

2009-03-26T18:13:00.000-07:00

for the third time this month, i am once again sick. i know the things i do both inside and outside of school exhaust my immune system, but really three times? it seems i cannot escape this. it always starts the same and continues an uncomfortably long amount of time. maybe i should party less and increase my vitamin c intake, but i'm young, live it up? live it up with emergen-c!

i need a nice nap, a bottle of emergen-c, and sweet tunes please

oh and ramen anyone?!

Post 066.

2009-03-25T19:27:00.000-07:00

i remember it perfectly, the assignment was to write a narrative piece. i was in the eighth grade and had advanced english taught by mrs. brennan and mrs. long. i credit them, and this project for instilling me with the love of writing. while most people in my class moaned over how difficult a two-page paper was, especially at the end of the year, i didn't see it as much. i had never written anything like this but since i enjoyed both my teachers i sat down and wrote. the first line opened with my description of the first time i saw davey havok walk on stage. something that could have easily been said in a paragraph for my classmates, turned into a page for me. before i knew it, i was on page 6 and before me i had the whole recollection of my second concert, vivid image after vivid image, and it wasn't written in an AP magazine, but instead said in my own words. i turned this "short" assignment in and to my surprise i had the longest and most thought out piece. brennan and long read through all 6 and a half pages and returned it to me. it was marked and grammar corrected in that familiar red ink and for the first time i read through each correction. at the end paper, was a note "best narrative we've read, keep writing" it stuck with me. i occasionally remember b&l and always want to go back and thank them for encouraging my now, love of journalism.
today especially reminded me of this because, as editor of my high school magazine, i had the duty of taking home our hard copy and editing through each poem, music review, narrative, and fiction piece. there were pieces written with near perfect grammar and others i had to tear through with my red pen, but as i read the content, it inspired me. there was a girl, a freshman i believe, whose story had more grammatical errors than i could count, but her story was simply great. i wanted to send her a note that said "keep writing" i have no control on which direction the magazine will go in after i graduate, but i want this girl to know what a wonderful thing writing is and even if writing is a dying career, it's still there, for her, for anyone. oh, and the joys that a red pen in hand can bring.

Post 065.

2009-03-25T19:10:00.000-07:00

these movies need to come out already! i'm tired of waiting

Post 062.

2009-03-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

on the bright side, i think i found an internship at a publishing company for this summer
yay!

i never thought i would actually become a writer. i figured i would just end up like those people who write scribbled poems in a notebook while they're at their 9-5. i thought la youth and the other various things i've written for would just end up another "hobby" but they've inspired me and my work (although lacking these days, i'll be back mike!) is paying off. since the moment i selected "journalism" as my major i've had this feeling that what i'm going to do is the right thing for me.

Post 061.

2009-03-17T22:25:00.000-07:00

"at least he's direct about being selfish"

lately i've been so tired of people being selfish and doing things that only benefit themselves. don't get me wrong, i know there have been times, especially within these past few months, were i have thought "fuck it i want to do what i want to do" but i don't make a huge production about it and i especially try not to hurt my friends in the process. i might be more annoyed than usual given the added stress i've taken on lately, but i'm just so tired of people. especially those that need to get over themselves. no one is going to cater to you anymore and no one is going to go out of there way to make you happy. we all have our own lives and i'm done going out on a limb to make yours better.

fuck.

good thing this weekend is going to be Amazing :D
oh and i'm happy that quote came from your mouth

Post 060.

2009-03-09T22:06:00.001-07:00

Post 059.

2009-03-09T21:55:00.000-07:00

there's is something about listening to cat stevens, maybe it's his voice, his lyrics, the over all freeing music, or the fact that he's now yusuf isalm, but his music always makes me find something in myself to love. his songs make me not afraid to be myself and like what i like and love whom i love.

there are friends that make me feel like i have to try hard to be less of myself. that i have to change my physical appearance, dress in one brand, like a certain type of music, and only like and associate with those people who are seen as "chic" or "cool".

for the most part i completely fight against this, yet, because these people are my friends i feel parts of my have to oblige.

but when listen to cat stevens (and a few other musicians and people) i feel like i really don't have to be who these people want me to. if i want to be me, i'll be me.

thank you yusuf

Post 058.

2009-03-05T23:53:00.000-08:00

i want a window in my house that the light will shine through

and reflect.

light.light.light.light.

it's one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen.

i think my new goal is to have one roll of film filled with light pictures.

Post 057.

2009-03-02T23:00:00.000-08:00

does sitting on my bed, wearing cutoff shorts, plaid with no bra, drinking a slurpee, with my hair super curly and wild make me a hick?

because i feel if someone were to take a picture of me, that's how i'd come across.

a slurpee is no shaved ice, but close enough?

Post 056.

2009-03-02T20:22:00.000-08:00

summer hair:

i will go red this summer. maybe not red red, but some variation.

Post 055.

2009-03-02T12:09:00.000-08:00

width=400>Oh, The Places You'll Go!

Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss

Post 054.

2009-02-25T22:42:00.000-08:00

this video gave me complete and absolute hope that i could be happy on my own

Post 053.

2009-02-25T20:35:00.000-08:00

call me a snob, but i Hate blogs with bad grammar and spelling

spell check readily available

Post 52.

2009-02-25T19:13:00.001-08:00

On the side of the egg.

Post 51.

2009-02-25T18:10:00.000-08:00

1. my name is Devin Nicole Ruiz. i pronounce my last name incorrectly and sometimes i wish my name was devinare, or something a tad more interesting.

2. i've had a vanity fair subscription since freshman year and i've read ever issue (most beginning to end) since then and one i hope to write for them.

3. i want to go into magazine journalism, editing, or advertising. but i secretly would love to be a wedding planner.

4. i use to paint a painting every month, or every other month. i haven't painted in a little over 6. i wish i had more money to purchase new paint and a piece of wood to paint on.

5. i might move into my own apartment this summer and the most exciting thing about it, is getting to decorate it how i like. i already have a mental image of what it would look like.

6. i want to have a lemon tree, an orange tree and an avocado tree.

7. i drink at least 24oz of tea a day.

8. i love my diana f+ and i wish i had a flash. it made me sad when urban started selling dianaF+ clones. some of the best conversations are started when someone asks me what kind of camera i have.

9. i have so many clothes they don't fit in my closet. i also have rows of shoes, yet i never seem to have an outfit.

10. my mom's friend gave me a marc jacobs purse and i have yet to worn it out, i view it as a piece of art. seriously.

11. i love making videos and setting it to music.

12. one day last spring i jumped into a pool with all my clothes on and my bester friend der followed after me. that moment sealed our friendship and we stayed in the water for 20minutes.

13. i live in west hollywood and no matter how far it is from people i wouldn't change it for the world. i've loved growing up here and i know i'm going to miss it.

14. there's a path near griffith park that i've nicknamed 'the end'. my friend and i would drive up there and sit in his cars for hours and just watch the sunset. i want to take more people up there but i'm afraid it won't be the same.

15. sometimes i take the car and drive to the roof of parking structures. once i'm up there i read, listen to music, and look over the edge to map out where i've been and driven.

16. every time i pass downtown and i have a camera, i take a picture. one day i'm going to make a painting.

17. i love cooking and trying different recipes, even though i only use them as guidelines.

18. i save all my emails from barrack obama.

19. i read very fast. yesterday i finished a book in a few hours and it was amazing.

20. i want to learn guitar and start a band, with myself.

21. i love "single ladies" by beyonce and lately it's been stuck in my head, constantly.

22. i want to work at 'the icon'

23. i miss my instax and buying a new one only made me miss mine more. wrong place, wrong time.

24. every week since my friend has been up at stanford i've made him a mix and sent it to him. i wonder if i will go through my whole itunes library by the time he comes home.

25. i believe everything happens for a reason.

Post 50.

2009-02-25T18:00:00.001-08:00

so lately i've been so excited to graduate and start college. i think i'm so excited because i see it as finally being older and not the "baby". i see it as a chance to recreate myself and meet new people. i love who i am and i love my friends but there just seems to be something so exciting and refreshing in creating a new character for myself. i think this stems from the joy dressing in costume when i was a child.

yay future!

Post 049.

2009-02-13T01:02:00.001-08:00

i should be my own valentine because i would be amazing. i spent so much time browsing the internet for the perfect gift, something that reminded me of you, which made me smile. i spent more money than i had, giving up things i wanted for myself. i bought a close to perfect card and gift bag. spent time wrapping the present and filling out the card. dotting every i and crossing all my t's. i did this with no expectations, except for nothing, and that's what i'm getting.

i hope i make you smile.

Post 048.

2009-02-10T21:57:00.000-08:00

today my mother and i adopted a 15year old cocker-spaniel mix from the highland park animal shelter. being there and hearing the barks and cries of dogs made my heart hurt for them. they've been given up or lost on the streets and now they're confined to this cement room waiting for someone to come love them and take them home. i'm confident the young ones will be adopted, but like my new dog who was green tagged (given a week to live), these older dogs don't have a chance. if i could adopt them all i would, but unfortunately my apartment is too small, but i encourage people to at least check out a shelter before going to a pet shop for an animal, please.

Post 047.

2009-02-03T19:52:00.001-08:00

devinare.tumblr.com

Post 046.

2009-01-22T19:17:00.000-08:00

it took a delicate man to tell this story, and that's you

(miss u)

Post 045.

2009-01-21T23:28:00.000-08:00

"no, it does not exist for you. you exist for it. you have come because it exists."

i am fascinated with lights

although light pollution is the enemy

there is nothing more relaxing and humbling than walking onto my balcony

and seeing the whole city of west hollywood, and beyond, lit up.

it's a nice way to know you're not alone.

Post 044.

2009-01-21T19:57:00.001-08:00

" i love you also means i love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, i love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, i love you in a way that i love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else."

-jonathan safran foer, everything is illuminated

Post 043.

2009-01-21T19:43:00.000-08:00

we have chosen HOPE over fear

Post 042.

2009-01-20T01:22:00.000-08:00

finals; i've been through enough and i'm over it. studying for psychology has got me going slightly crazy. fitting 6 chapters of information onto a 4x6 notecard is not my idea of a joyous time. since my boyfriend has left me for sleep, i will turn to you blogspot. you get a look into my finals insanity. enjoi

Post 041.

2009-01-19T11:46:00.000-08:00

dreading finals. not because i don't think i will do well, but solely on the fact that they are finals. i am allotted an hour and a half to prove that i have been learning this past semester. i have already taken tests and completed homework, so why make a test of everything combined. waste of paper if you ask me. plus, i do not agree with the fact that my school gives us finals after winter break. there is nothing i can do, so i suppose i am off to study psychology. (at least until kiwii picks me up.)

Post 040.

2009-01-15T22:58:00.000-08:00

today went by in a grumpy blur. finals are next week and i started to feel that heavy cloud creeping up on me. i forgot my lunchbox at home and had to survive on tea candies, nuts, and water. during lunch and two other classes i worked on my final project for computer animation. let me tell you switching between photoshop, dreamweaver, and firefox for html gets tedious. if only i was super l33t at computers like my boyfriend.

finally school ended at i was on the bus home and all i wanted to do was sleep. my insomnia-esque habits are returning. so late in the game and at what a inopportune time.

hopefully tomorrow will be better. josh and i are having a sushi day.

p.s. i was able to buy the mp3 version of Davy, and after several listens i love it. possibly the only part of my day that didn't blend into one.

Post 039.

2009-01-14T17:39:00.000-08:00

On seeing the 100% perfect girl

one beautiful april morning

- a story by haruki murakami

♥

Post 038.

2009-01-14T17:17:00.000-08:00

snap my picture

(with my new yone x checki)

it arrived in a box designed by fafi, good!

a photo by yone, better!

my very own instax! BEST!

it arrived today so i haven't been able to test the water (or the lenses)

but i'll be sure to update once up i'm out and snapping

it's amazing how getting this package has turned my stressful day into a great one

p.s.please keep photography alive!

visit lomography and buy yourself a camera.

Post 037.

2009-01-13T21:15:00.000-08:00

what font are you?

yes, i'm courier

Post 036.

2009-01-12T17:28:00.000-08:00

it's just a fond farewell to a friend

he said really i just want to dance

good and evil matched perfect, it's a great romance

i see you're leaving me and taking up with the enemy

it's just a fond farewell to a friend

my best friend alexander duran leaves tomorrow morning for stanford and he's taking mas with him. i'm so unbelievably proud of them.

but although tonight i'll go to der's farewell dinner and wish him the best of luck with the happiest smile on my face and hug him in joy, inside a part of me will be sad. as i may have mentioned before der got me through one of the roughest patches i've gone through. he was there whenever i need him. always a phone call and a 5-minute drive away. now with his new home being up north i'm here to make it (somewhat) on my own. he was my outside strength. it's true he have had some epic fights. he is the evil to my good, or visa-versa, but no matter what i knew i had him. i still will, just a little further.

(miss u)

Post 035.

2009-01-10T14:29:00.000-08:00

back to you?!

i've been waiting for a new coconut records album since i picked up 'nighttiming' two summers ago. finally 10 days until the release of 'davy' and i'm already addicted. thanks to amiestreet i can listen to about the first half of the song, and that's all i've been listening to, and let me tell you, it's amazing.

jason schwartzman never fails.

songs to check out: drummer, wandering around, and i am young

p.s. tonight bow&sparrows: cupcakes and punch, it's happening.

Post 034.

2009-01-09T22:55:00.000-08:00

all i wanted was to be your housewife.

friday night, a little dinner for one.

how to pasta by devin

boil pasta for 10minutes

drain pasta and let sit while sauce is made.

1/4 cup olive oil, garlic, salt (garlic), pepper(lemon), parsley

combined together and heat (microwave works fine)

plate the pasta and sauce (add fresh parmesan and an artichoke heart)

pour a glass of wine and

enjoi.

Post 033.

2009-01-07T22:36:00.000-08:00

Who i could have been. . .

what would have become of me if i would have stayed in montebello? continued on to montebello high school? lived in that same house in the cul-de-sac that i grew up in? would i still be the same person i am right now?

i look at the people i went to school with from kindergarden to 8th grade and at the time i was so lost buying into what i thought i liked, not knowing myself and judging myself based on the amount of friends i had and how cool we seemed, but now as i look at myself, and i believe i have grown in high school. i see them, and most of them seem to be in the same place with the same questions. they're a flock of sheep going in the same direction. as much as some of these people mean to me, would i have been happy? would i be ditching classes? not trying my hardest in school or volunteering? would i be smoking out before, during, and after school? would my social life be confined to back yard shows and montebello dance parties? i'm not putting that lifestyle down for every person is made happy in a different way, it's just that think about 'who i could have been?' makes me grateful for the person i am now, for i am happy.

although ramona is an all girls and has a confusing and at times closed minded administration, i am happy to soon become a rcss alumni. the people i have met, some wonderful and lifelong friends, others some of the most naive and ignorant, have all shaped me. i have experienced so much more that i would have in that small town. i have traveled, lived, and become happy.

i'm on my way to finding out who i am.

Post 032.

2009-01-02T12:43:00.000-08:00

today's gone to shit. i was excited to see my brothers but then my dad informs way too late that he's running late. and why can't you just volunteer? "you know what i'd still love to go" instead of making me beg you to drive and come. i hate the phrase "i'll do whatever you want me to" well it makes me come off selfish when i always say "well yeah i'd like you to still come"

i don't know. i'm having a terrible horrible no good very bad day.

Post 031.

2009-01-02T00:17:00.000-08:00

we're going to be together as one, forever

last night in an arena, filled with more people than i could have imagined, counting down the last few seconds of 2008, i realized that the friends i have, although few were absent, are some of the most amazing people i've ever met. there is a bond that i shared with those people that i have never experienced. as we stood in a circle kissing each other and throwing our hands together, swearing to be real friends forever (even until we're all married), i saw how much these people are apart of me and that if i ever needed they would be there. 2008 brought us together and 2009 is going to make us stronger. there could not have been a better way to welcome two thousand and nine.

so this is the new year. . .

Post 030.

2008-12-30T01:50:00.000-08:00

i can be alone, yeah

i can watch a sunset on my own.

sometimes there is a person that knows you more than you knew someone could. someone who can remind you of an exact moment or time in your life, recently, for me, this person has been kate nash. her debut cd, MadeOfBricks, sings my life almost perfectly. listening to her takes me back to spring of this year when i was trying to get over one of the hardest times, and breakups, of my life and running to my bester friend for relief and support. i didn't know who i was and kate nash was there to help me understand that there had been plenty of people in my situation who had made it through it. with this i felt unity and empowerment.

i'm amazed that after all this time just listening to a few songs can allow me to not only remember but feel the pain and struggle i had once felt. music is amazing.

Post 029.

2008-12-24T00:19:00.000-08:00

there are some things that i wish i could keep in a little box to myself. those little things that mean so much to me and just their mere sight, sound, smell, and feel make my day seem that much better. one of those things is JasonSchwartzman and CoconutRecords. lately i've heard the talk that they've both been receiving, and although i am happy that they're being accepted with such acclamation, it makes it feel less special. this bond i had made with this little cd almost two years ago is now being recreated. this may seem completely selfish, but there are those certain things i would like to keep for me, and my love for them is definitely one of those things.

i've played the "nighttiming" cd so many times that i've had to buy three copies. one because i had it signed by jason, cd two was scratched from overplay, and number three still sits in my cd player. i remember when i met jason i was the only person in the crowd who actually knew who he was and wasn't whispering to other people "who's that?! oh is that robert's brother" having that intimate conversation was special to me.

i guess no matter j.schwartzman will always be more than an actor and a singer, always something more special than that.

Post 028.

2008-12-17T22:04:00.000-08:00

lately, in all of this grief and chaos, i've forgotten how much i am loved, and how lucky i am to have those around me. it's when i read a message that says "you don't have to be alone ever if you don't want to be, as long as i'm alive" is when i see love in it's purest most unselfish form, and i am grateful.

// love yall.

Post 027.

2008-12-15T21:45:00.000-08:00

wave goodbye, wish me well, you've gotta let me go

today in class i got several calls and texts from my mom asking me to call her as soon as possible. after school i called several times with no answer, i even called my grandma's house but the line was busy. when my mom finally got ahold of me i knew what she was about to say. my 80 year-old great grandma, isabel (liza), had died after a long battle with cancer, she was most certainly a fighter. my grandma liza was placed in the hospital this summer and underwent treatment for cancer than had reappeared. since she was placed in the hospital, my mother, who from now on should be considered an angel, was with her every moment. losing sleep so she could spend every free minute with my sick and sometimes delusional grandma, she even spent most nights in the hospital. each day i would visit i would see a woman fighting to hold on for life while most of her daughters waited for her die. as she was released from the hospital her condition deteriorated rapidly. i can remember it was only a few months ago that she was able to walk and feed herself. each step of the way, my mom was there. she spent all day at my grandma liza and did everything from feeding her to rubbing lotion on her feet to even cleaning her tongue. up until the very end my grandma kept her wit and sarcasm. she would tell my mom that she "had to go to church and pray for forgiveness" when my mom would move her and she would feel slight pain. the one thing i learned from my grandma was strength and will. she was fighting against the odds and at one point was given only two weeks to live. she surpassed and made it to whatever she was fighting to hold onto. although i've heard of my grandma's hard side seeing her lie in bed weak and helpless there was nothing i could feel but love for this woman who no matter how much money she had, or didn't have, found a way to give me a card and present for every birthday and holiday. (even if it was a scary porcelain doll) i never counted her as a "great" grandmother, only as a grandma. her kisses were wet and her lips wrinkled, but she was always there to ask how i was doing in school and tell me that she loved me.

on the car home today my mom told me that my auntie terry asked her to pick out the outfit that my grandma would be buried in (and they wanted to go to mervyns, my grandma's favorite) and it was not until i heard that was i hit with the reality that my grandma had died and i would never see her again. i know it would be selfish to wish she was still here but i do miss her and i hope wherever she is, she is peaceful, happy, and playing lotto with my grandpa.

i hope that her funeral is held on the day this week that the cloud and rain have cleared and the only thing above is blue skies, because that's what this fighter deserves,

i've never lost anyone this close to me, except my grandma (my dad's mom) but i was too little to remember much. i'm not sure how to handle death and i'm not sure how long it will take until i feel better, but the only way i know how to cope is through music, and ever since my mom started taking care of my grandma, my mom said this song reminded her. so here's to you grandma liza,

close your eyes, clear you heart, cut the cord

i'll miss you greatly

Post 026.

2008-12-15T12:07:00.000-08:00

Rain Drops Keep Falling On My Head. . .

but that does not mean that i am dead.

so it begins, the rain is here, and a day earlier than i expected. although i was not prepared, no umbrella, no tights, not extra warmth, i am still happy. my hair may be curling and my shoes might be flooding with water (i need a new pair bytheway. christmas present anyone?) knowning that this new starts and freshness is ahead makes all those little things not matter. i can't wait to wake up in the next few days and look out past my balcony to see brand new clear skies. oh how i love the changing weather.

now only to get through these last couple days at school.

Post 025.

2008-12-11T19:31:00.000-08:00

someone might get hurt, but it won't be me

slowly i've started to realize that as much as i love him, i still have kept a part of me locked. it's not that i have stopped loving or allowing myself to be loved, i am open to that,

it's just that i'm protecting myself more. i kind of expect the worse so that i won't be hurt like i was before. in the back of my mind there is a lock a lock to protect myself. i know it might not be the best way to look at things and it might be considered bitter, but honestly, i've been hurt too much and too badly that i need to guard myself. i wish i didn't have to. i wish i could be completely open, but i'm scared. there were a few days that he didn't respond to any of my phone calls or texts and although i was sad i felt like if a breakup was to happen again, i would be able to handle it, without going into that state i was previously in. it scared me. i don't want to be like that. i guess it's just picking which scares me less, holding back or getting hurt.

Post 024.

2008-12-10T01:43:00.000-08:00

water washes away. rain brings a new start. sometimes i feel like i need a new start. with the new year should come new rain and new opportunities.

if only it rained more in los angeles, i think i would feel cleaner, have more fresh starts.

actually, i believe it should rain every sunday. sort of wash away the week, whether good or bad, so monday morning when you wake up and put on your shoes and step out the door everything is starting with a fresh slate, a fresh attitude, and a fresh face.

the morning after a night of rain is always the sweetest. dew on the flowers and heads of insects, puddles for jumping, and a bright blue clean sky.

my feelings toward people, school, and myself, needs a revival. i need to be like the dew on flowers. i need to take down one of those yellow umbrellas and dance in the rain until i feel new, happy, and excited, because excitement is good.

p.s. it's suppose to start raining december16th. what a great day for a cleanse.

Post 023.

2008-12-10T01:29:00.000-08:00

thought someone would like to know

Post 022.

2008-12-09T23:27:00.000-08:00

four winds blowing through her hair

every time i listen to bright eyes, or any conor oberst collective, i am struck with this feeling of joy. most of his songs aren't written about "joyful" topics or anything that makes me particularly happy, but as i listen to each of his tracks that has found its way to my itunes (over 130+) i feel hopeful because he is one of the only artist that i feel brings not only his emotion, but pure talent to everything he does. each of the five times i have seen, it's felt like i was experiencing something no one else has, originality and a bond that developed between conor, myself, the auidence, and the music. for out of all the new artist that receive whatever "indie praise" from the new music magazines, conor has always been the most original and an artist who actually seems to be in it for music's sake and not the fans, the fame, or the acclamation. seeing him live gives me chills and as i stare at him upon the stage i am mesmerized. and not only does seeing him live amazing, but each time i listen to him on cd or an even in an interview the talent there exceeds almost everything (current) that i know.

moral of the story, i love the talent, emotion, and sincerity that is conor oberst.

Post 021.

2008-12-08T19:14:00.000-08:00

i hope you're on the other end

if only every conversation was this close.

Post 020.

2008-12-05T10:46:00.000-08:00

because at heart i am a fafinette

i have decided that the one material item i would like for christmas is,
the fuji instax "Yone x Cheki" camera.

it's an amazing instant camera (woo bring the instant film back) designed by the japanese photographer equivalent of dov charney .
the box it comes in is designed by french graffiti artist fafi and it comes with a pack of instant film in which the white contains fafi graff!
the price is reasonable since it's through the amazing lomography, and it is definitely on the top of my christmas list.
let's hope santa a leave it under my charlie brown tree.

ahh, i am so excited the christmas season is here. my grandmas has decorated her santa room and i finally got my hands on my favorite johnny mathis cd.

in a few weeks i hope to be hosting a christmas soiree, oh and can't forget the ice skating.
now only to make it through school and to winter break.

p.s. it's friday, so that means lunch with kiwii and an update for http://Indierental.blogspot.com

check, check,check it out

Post 019.

2008-11-27T12:04:00.000-08:00

when i take a picture of myself, most times i am left wondering "am i really that pretty? do i actually look like that?" it's a strange feeling. maybe i'm just photogenic and look nothing like how i do in my pictures, maybe i do look like these pictures i take and i just don't realize it. it might be just another form of self-consciousness.

just the thought of pictures is so amazing. being able to capture a moment, a person, a memory, in a little flash that you can keep with you forever. before i never understood how powerful they were and just took them to take 'em. i would upload then delete, maybe that is why now i strongly advocate for everyone having one non-digital camera. computers may crash and pictures may be deleted and there is just something so powerful about holding a photograph in your hand, taking a pin, and posting it to your wall. memories.

Post 018.

2008-11-25T22:32:00.000-08:00

i've been sick for 5 days and it has been terrible. sore throat, fever/chills, body and ear ache. check, check, check. i have tried everything in the book. my grandma even heated banana peels and placed them on my neck, yet nothing has work. i have had plenty of absences and i'm scared to miss anymore school. although i love the rain and the weather that goes along with it, i am afraid of this continued sickness. so i honestly say

rain, rain, go away. come again another day.

p.s. free dj am show on friday. i can't wait to see him again. it will be amazing, i know it. am! am!

Post 017.

2008-11-25T22:23:00.000-08:00

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. . .

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand

so close that your eyes close as i fall asleep

i've never felt more loved or any more special than the night i was sick

and my boyfriend tucked me in, found me medicine, made me tea, rubbed me where i ached, then awoke in the middle of the night when i was hot and got a damp towel to dab my forehead. i never knew that love like that could exist or would be there for me. i never knew a person, besides my mother or grandmother, who would stay awake after i've fallen asleep to make sure i was ok. i never knew all of this existed and it's been under my nose for so long.

also when someone, with truth in their eyes, says you're beautiful after a sleepless, sick night, you know it's real love.

and i am grateful

Post 016.

2008-11-19T21:05:00.000-08:00

To Die Will Be An Awfully Big Adventure

but what will it be for those left living? i have never lost a close family member, a close anyone really, and now as my great grandma has been giving a week to live, fear is building inside of me. my great grandma is old and in pain, so i guess it's best to be relieved of the suffering, but who is going to be the foundation of our family. how am i going to feel? to act? to respond? what are the normal responses to death? this woman has always been in my life and her house has been opened to me more times than i can count. her old white wrinkly skin and frail bones always there to hug me and her wrinkle lips to kiss me when i was sick. and how is it that death can tear a family apart. i just want the best for everyone. i just want to know how to cope

hate this.

Post 015.

2008-11-17T12:05:00.000-08:00

These are a few of my favorite things; a Christmas Wishlist

although we have yet to reach thanksgiving, the year is winding down and the christmas spirit is starting to excite me. i love the weather, the fashion, and the all around christmas joy. i love

the smell of christmas trees, warm cookies, and my grandma's tamales.

the lights that wind around the tree reflect the joy in my christmas eyes. Oh, the gift giving, picking out presents and making mix tapes that fit my closest friends, as we all bundle up for a night of ice skating at pershing square. that christmas feeling is here as well as a list of things i would like to find under my charlie brown tree:

1. a keyboard, because my wanting to become kate nash grows bigger each time i listen to her. plus piano has always sounded so lovely.

2. accessories for my Diana F+, my most expensive but definitely my favorite hobby

a. lomography flash

b. lomography 38mm wide angle lens, 55mm wide and close up lens, 20mm fisheye lens

c. lomography spiltzer

d. 35mm film adapted

e. fujicolor pro 400iso 120 size

3. Fuiji Instax Camera + Film; psh if polaroid wants to take away my instant film, i'll just find other resources. like this sweet japanese baby!

4. a typewriter, because typing everything up in a word document gets old. bring back the 1800s

5. hello kitty beach cruiser (hello kitty anything)

. . . and more to come at a later date

Post 014.

2008-11-17T10:26:00.000-08:00

New Obsession? Dr. Dog

i was driving in the car and a Dr. Dog song started playing from the mix cd that was made. at first i wasn't sure who it was so i had to check and i was told it was the now wonderful in my eyes, Dr. Dog. There was something different about them, sure they're probably becoming super alt-friendly but at least it's not GirlTalk (they're good too). Dr. D has a great psychedelic beats and catchy lyrics. It great music to just feel and dance to. Plus they covered one of my favorite architecture in helsinki song Heart it Races, and did a better job than aih, to me at least. i think everyone should look past their "indie praise" and give them a chance because for being so close to mainstream, they're amazing, and my new obsession.

Songs to Check Out : Ain't It Strange/ Heart It Races/ The Breeze/ My Old Ways

Post 013.

2008-11-16T19:55:00.000-08:00

And there will never be anything quite like this moment

life is made up of a more than a million moments, and each one is different. different in the way you respond or the way a moment responds and effects you. yesterday i was able to experience two things that changed me in two very different ways. the first was one a situation i will never put myself in again. although i was able to gain that outside view on my life i did not like it. i was buried way too deep in my thoughts, somewhere unsafe, and time became my enemy. i also looked into the eyes of the person who means the most to me and mirrored back was a vacant look. a lost, sad, lonely gaze that i never want to see from those eyes again. but at least i am able to say i have gone there and back, degrassi-esque?

then in that same day, i was able to live a moment that other will be hearing about for months, maybe even years to come. although i have seen Ima Robot 4 times before last night, i had never seen them like this. live in a backyard in east los angeles. yes, i was at their secret ela show. early last week my

boyfriend told me his band hello my name is red was opening up for Ima Robot. i waited for saturday all week long and when the night finally came it was better than i could have ever expected. Red had one of the best sets i've seen, and Ima Robot took my breathe away, yet again. They played some of my favorite songs which included, 12=3, alive, and let's talk turkey, but i was also able to be up front dancing and holding hands with both the beautiful AlexEbert and Kiwii. i danced like i'd never danced before and took great pictures with the new flash and color film for my Diana. also there was a ryan gosling sighting (loves it when celebs can be just like us, especially in ela) the night ended with a stop at ihop and cuddles with the baby boii. you can't pick the moments that change your life, but when you feel them happening you can live them to their fullest, it makes life more than interesting.

Post 012.

2008-11-13T07:37:00.000-08:00

i disgust myself.

i feel awful

Post 011.

2008-11-12T09:56:00.000-08:00

"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!"

i stare in the mirror. i can never tell when my looks have changed, to me i always look the same, but can that be because i see myself everyday. but, i see my mother everyday and i can tell when she looks different. maybe, it is because i am too close to notice, but how can i step away, step away and see what i've become. how i have both physically and mentally changed since the start of highschool. sure i know how the clothes i wear have varied and changed but i wish i could sometimes be the omnious view of my life. looking down upon the things i have done and the person i am slowly becoming. if anyone knows any methods to remove themselves like this, besides the occasional consumption of drugs, please let me know. i think it would be a facsinating talent to have.

but now, to the original question, "who in the world am i?"

today i was sitting on the bus, people watching as usual, and was preoccupied with wondering if any of the people i saw really knew that answer. i know i don't but i hope to make the rest of my life a quest to finding that answer, kind of like siddhartha

Ah the great puzzle

Post 010.

2008-11-12T09:36:00.000-08:00

More often than not i find myself daydreaming.
Maybe it's the change of weather, the fact that my future is in the palm of my hands, or maybe just because i've finished my assignment in my computer graphics class.
When daydreaming many thoughts and images flow through my mind, as a stare into this pale white room.
Many things i see myself doing, having a picnic at the park down san vincente or spending all day wrapped up at book soup, but the one thing i always seem to see is that house, the perfect house with the red door and inside a room of teacups and friends.
One day i hope to make this fantasy real because it's such a vivid image now.

With all this daydreaming that consumes my time in wasteful classes i feel just like Alice.
Perhaps i've just watched that movie or read that novel too many times, but as i realize how much we both have daydreamed it makes me nervous.
I can't just imagine things, i have to make them a reality.
And i will, because i want to, and when i want things i always seem to get them.

P.S. very exciting news: my boyfriend's band is playing with imarobot on saturday. i've never been this excited for a house show.

Post 009.

2008-11-10T16:46:00.000-08:00

i love the weather today, it's full of gloom and melancholy

although those emotions are expressed in the sky and temperature, i feel nothing like this

i'm sitting here wrapped in a blanket on my best friends couch as we wait for our friends to gather in this home in east la.

today i have realized how great time is. it can either be your friend, or your enemy

this time last year i was a complete different person with different friends

not only was i different, but the world around me was different

this time last year i was staring face-to-face with one of the lowest points i've faced

and at the time i did not think i would make it out alive, and here i am

standing on top, the champion.

here i am, ready to face the world, to face anything that is handed to me

Post 008.

2008-11-06T19:44:00.001-08:00

possibly the biggest turn off, ever?

imagine sitting there then all of a sudden a perfect head of hair catches your eye. the right amount of scruff, if that's what you're into. as your eyes make their way down this person you see a great outfit then finally, in the home stretch, you see a pair of these

crocs! not only the worst fashion trend of past decade, but one of the biggest turn offs ever.

i don't care how comfortable they are, or how much you think a pair a gray crocs will camouflage with a pair of your alt gray chords, crocs are always apparent, and an eye sore.

now that we have elected obama, and our world is taking a step forward, let's make sure no one is taking that step in a pair of crocs. my suggestion? a mass burning of these god awful creations. let's burn them like the christian's burned beatles records after they said they were bigger than god.

down with rubber shoes! down with crocs! REVOLT!

Post 007.

2008-11-06T19:15:00.000-08:00

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)

in your life people come and go, but if you're lucky enough, you stumble upon someone who gives you this feeling that you know they're suppose to be in your life. no matter how hard the cards try to tear you apart there is something in the stars that pulls you together.

i have found mine, or better yet, we have found each other.

we've faced the world together, turned our cheeks to the sun, and together we can endure all.

and because of everything we've been to up to this point, i fear no fate, because for now, that's what he is, my fate.

post 006.

2008-11-04T18:45:00.000-08:00

although i was not able to go out and vote

i am excited to be living history, because that's what's happening

i'm sitting here watching CNN

and i'm sorry if

anderson cooper isn't enough reason to watch what's going on this moment

then i sure hope your future is.

We are moments away from possibly, hopefully, and most likely electing our first black (african american if i should be all p.c)

president, and in a time that change is so crucial to how society will function.

we're staring face to face with change and it's in our hands

i hope everyone who can vote, has or will sometime before the polls close.

we're living that "where were you when...?" moment

and it feel awesome!

Post 005.

2008-11-04T17:23:00.000-08:00

please everyone vote

keep it tuned to CNN or some other various new source

this is history

oh, and

Post 004.

2008-10-29T18:06:00.000-07:00

today many people have questioned me

with everything ranging from my role in the oxfam dinner i'm hosting

to if i'm rollin on halloween and why

basically, they have questioned me about things they don't need to know

then when i ask why they're questioning me,

i receive cryptic messages

so my question is

when did even decided to start being the riddler

isn't that jim carrey's role

and is even just doing it because that's they're halloween costume

and they're trying to get in character, again like jim carrey

oh, and when is american appy going to start making a Riddler print?!

they need to get on it!

Post 003.

2008-10-29T17:46:00.000-07:00

it's sad because i actually can't vote

and that isn't sarcasm

they only want you when you're seventeen

well actually they want you when you're eighteen

ladytron lies

but for everyone who is 18, please vote

vote for change no one wants 4,8, or 16 years of the same thing

inspiration for us all

because honestly, who doesn't love celebrities joining together for something

it's especially exciting to see snoop dogg promoting something that isn't just the legalization of mary jane

post 002.

2008-10-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

do people in France name their children France?!

how about people in Germany?!

what about a little boy named Uzbekistan?!

well here's to you America

i mean America

post 001.

2008-10-23T19:37:00.000-07:00

what better to be for halloween than

shitfaced lalohan?! now all i need is

oh, and i can't forget my $120 lalohan leggings