Post 030.

i can be alone, yeah 

i can watch a sunset on my own.

sometimes there is a person that knows you more than you knew someone could. someone who can remind you of an exact moment or time in your life, recently, for me, this person has been kate nash. her debut cd, MadeOfBricks, sings my life almost perfectly. listening to her takes me back to spring of this year when i was trying to get over one of the hardest times, and breakups, of my life and running to my bester friend for relief and support. i didn't know who i was and kate nash was there to help me understand that there had been plenty of people in my situation who had made it through it. with this i felt unity and empowerment.

i'm amazed that after all this time just listening to a few songs can allow me to not only remember but feel the pain and struggle i had once felt. music is amazing.

Post 029.

there are some things that i wish i could keep in a little box to myself. those little things that mean so much to me and just their mere sight, sound, smell, and feel make my day seem that much better. one of those things is JasonSchwartzman and CoconutRecords. lately i've heard the talk that they've both been receiving, and although i am happy that they're  being accepted with such acclamation, it makes it feel less special. this bond i had made with this little cd almost two years ago is now being recreated. this may seem completely selfish, but there are those certain things i would like to keep for me, and my love for them is definitely one of those things.

i've played the "nighttiming" cd so many times that i've had to buy three copies. one because i had it signed by jason, cd two was scratched from overplay, and number three still sits in my cd player. i remember when i met jason i was the only person in the crowd who actually knew who he was and wasn't whispering to other people "who's that?! oh is that robert's brother" having that intimate conversation was special to me. 

i guess no matter j.schwartzman will always be more than an actor and a singer, always something more special than that. 

Post 028.

lately, in all of this grief and chaos, i've forgotten how much i am loved, and how lucky i am to have those around me. it's when i read a message that says "you don't have to be alone ever if you don't want to be, as long as i'm alive" is when i see love in it's purest most unselfish form, and i am grateful. 

// love yall. 

Post 027.

wave goodbye, wish me well, you've gotta let me go

today in class i got several calls and texts from my mom asking me to call her as soon as possible. after school i called several times with no answer, i even called my grandma's house but the line was busy. when my mom finally got ahold of me i knew what she was about to say. my 80 year-old great grandma, isabel (liza), had died after a long battle with cancer, she was most certainly a fighter. my grandma liza was placed in the hospital this summer and underwent treatment for cancer than had reappeared. since she was placed in the hospital, my mother, who from now on should be considered an angel, was with her every moment. losing sleep so she could spend every free minute with my sick and sometimes delusional grandma, she even spent most nights in the hospital. each day i would visit i would see a woman fighting to hold on for life while most of her daughters waited for her die. as she was released from the hospital her condition deteriorated rapidly. i can remember it was only a few months ago that she was able to walk and feed herself. each step of the way, my mom was there. she spent all day at my grandma liza and did everything from feeding her to rubbing lotion on her feet to even cleaning her tongue. up until the very end my grandma kept her wit and sarcasm. she would tell my mom that she "had to go to church and pray for forgiveness" when my mom would move her and she would feel slight pain. the one thing i learned from my grandma was strength and will. she was fighting against the odds  and at one point was given only two weeks to live. she surpassed and made it to whatever she was fighting to hold onto. although i've heard of my grandma's hard side seeing her lie in bed weak and helpless there was nothing i could feel but love for this woman who no matter how much money she had, or didn't have, found a way to give me a card and present for every birthday and holiday. (even if it was a scary porcelain doll) i never counted her as a "great" grandmother, only as a grandma. her kisses were wet and her lips wrinkled, but she was always there to ask how i was doing in school and tell me that she loved me. 

on the car home today my mom told me that my auntie terry asked her to pick out the outfit that my grandma would be buried in (and they wanted to go to mervyns, my grandma's favorite) and it was not until i heard that was i hit with the reality that my grandma had died and i would never see her again. i know it would be selfish to wish she was still here but i do miss her and i hope wherever she is, she is peaceful, happy, and playing lotto with my grandpa. 

i hope that her funeral is held on the day this week that the cloud and rain have cleared and the only thing above is blue skies, because that's what this fighter deserves, 

i've never lost anyone this close to me, except my grandma (my dad's mom) but i was too little to remember much. i'm not sure how to handle death and i'm not sure how long it will take until i feel better, but the only way i know how to cope is through music, and ever since my mom started taking care of my grandma, my mom said this song reminded her. so here's to you grandma liza,

close your eyes, clear you heart, cut the cord 

i'll miss you greatly 

Post 026.

Rain Drops Keep Falling On My Head. . .

but that does not mean that i am dead.

so it begins, the rain is here, and a day earlier than i expected. although i was not prepared, no umbrella, no tights, not extra warmth, i am still happy. my hair may be curling and my shoes might be flooding with water (i need a new pair bytheway. christmas present anyone?) knowning that this new starts and freshness is ahead makes all those little things not matter. i can't wait to wake up in the next few days and look out past my balcony to see brand new clear skies. oh how i love the changing weather.

now only to get through these last couple days at school.

Post 025.

someone might get hurt, but it won't be me

slowly i've started to realize that as much as i love him, i  still have kept a part of me locked. it's not that i have stopped loving or allowing myself to be loved, i am open to that, 

it's just that i'm protecting myself more. i kind of expect the worse so that i won't be hurt like i was before. in the back of my mind there is a lock a lock to protect myself. i know it might not be the best way to look at things and it might be considered bitter, but honestly, i've been hurt too much and too badly that i need to guard myself. i wish i didn't have to. i wish i could be completely open, but i'm scared. there were a few days that he didn't respond to any of my phone calls or texts and although i was sad i felt like if a breakup was to happen again, i would be able to handle it, without going into that state i was previously in. it scared me. i don't want to be like that. i guess it's just picking which scares me less, holding back or getting hurt. 

Post 024.

water washes away. rain brings a new start. sometimes i feel like i need a new start. with the new year should come new rain and new opportunities. 

if only it rained more in los angeles, i think i would feel cleaner, have more fresh starts. 

actually, i believe it should rain every sunday. sort of wash away the week, whether good or bad, so monday morning when you wake up and put on your shoes and step out the door everything is starting with a fresh slate, a fresh attitude, and a fresh face. 

the morning after a night of rain is always the sweetest. dew on the flowers and heads of insects, puddles for jumping, and a bright blue clean sky. 

my feelings toward people, school, and myself, needs a revival. i need to be like the dew on flowers. i need to take down one of those yellow umbrellas and dance in the rain until i feel new, happy, and excited, because excitement is good. 

p.s. it's suppose to start raining december16th. what a great day for a cleanse.

Post 023.

thought someone would like to know

Post 022.

four winds blowing through her hair

every time i listen to bright eyes, or any conor oberst collective, i am struck with this feeling of joy. most of his songs aren't written about "joyful" topics or anything that makes me particularly happy, but as i listen to each of his tracks that has found its way to my itunes (over 130+) i feel hopeful because he is one of the only artist that i feel brings not only his emotion, but pure talent to everything he does. each of the five times i have seen, it's felt like i was experiencing something no one else has, originality and a bond that developed between conor, myself, the auidence, and the music. for out of all the new artist that receive whatever "indie praise" from the new music magazines, conor has always been the most original and an artist who actually seems to be in it for music's sake and not the fans, the fame, or the acclamation. seeing him live gives me chills and as i stare at him upon the stage i am mesmerized. and not only does seeing him live amazing, but each time i listen to him on cd or an even in an interview the talent there exceeds almost everything (current) that i know. 

moral of the story, i love the talent, emotion, and sincerity that is conor oberst. 

Post 021.

i hope you're on the other end

if only every conversation was this close.

Post 020.

because at heart i am a fafinette

i have decided that the one material item i would like for christmas is,
the fuji instax "Yone x Cheki" camera.

it's an amazing instant camera (woo bring the instant film back) designed by the japanese photographer equivalent of dov charney .
the box it comes in is designed by french graffiti artist fafi and it comes with a pack of instant film in which the white contains fafi graff!
the price is reasonable since it's through the amazing lomography, and it is definitely on the top of my christmas list.
let's hope santa a leave it under my charlie brown tree.

ahh, i am so excited the christmas season is here. my grandmas has decorated her santa room and i finally got my hands on my favorite johnny mathis cd.

in a few weeks i hope to be hosting a christmas soiree, oh and can't forget the ice skating.
now only to make it through school and to winter break.

p.s. it's friday, so that means lunch with kiwii and an update for http://Indierental.blogspot.com

check, check,check it out