Post 030.

i can be alone, yeah 

i can watch a sunset on my own.

sometimes there is a person that knows you more than you knew someone could. someone who can remind you of an exact moment or time in your life, recently, for me, this person has been kate nash. her debut cd, MadeOfBricks, sings my life almost perfectly. listening to her takes me back to spring of this year when i was trying to get over one of the hardest times, and breakups, of my life and running to my bester friend for relief and support. i didn't know who i was and kate nash was there to help me understand that there had been plenty of people in my situation who had made it through it. with this i felt unity and empowerment.

i'm amazed that after all this time just listening to a few songs can allow me to not only remember but feel the pain and struggle i had once felt. music is amazing.

Post 029.

there are some things that i wish i could keep in a little box to myself. those little things that mean so much to me and just their mere sight, sound, smell, and feel make my day seem that much better. one of those things is JasonSchwartzman and CoconutRecords. lately i've heard the talk that they've both been receiving, and although i am happy that they're  being accepted with such acclamation, it makes it feel less special. this bond i had made with this little cd almost two years ago is now being recreated. this may seem completely selfish, but there are those certain things i would like to keep for me, and my love for them is definitely one of those things.

i've played the "nighttiming" cd so many times that i've had to buy three copies. one because i had it signed by jason, cd two was scratched from overplay, and number three still sits in my cd player. i remember when i met jason i was the only person in the crowd who actually knew who he was and wasn't whispering to other people "who's that?! oh is that robert's brother" having that intimate conversation was special to me. 

i guess no matter j.schwartzman will always be more than an actor and a singer, always something more special than that. 

Post 028.

lately, in all of this grief and chaos, i've forgotten how much i am loved, and how lucky i am to have those around me. it's when i read a message that says "you don't have to be alone ever if you don't want to be, as long as i'm alive" is when i see love in it's purest most unselfish form, and i am grateful. 

// love yall. 

Post 027.

wave goodbye, wish me well, you've gotta let me go

today in class i got several calls and texts from my mom asking me to call her as soon as possible. after school i called several times with no answer, i even called my grandma's house but the line was busy. when my mom finally got ahold of me i knew what she was about to say. my 80 year-old great grandma, isabel (liza), had died after a long battle with cancer, she was most certainly a fighter. my grandma liza was placed in the hospital this summer and underwent treatment for cancer than had reappeared. since she was placed in the hospital, my mother, who from now on should be considered an angel, was with her every moment. losing sleep so she could spend every free minute with my sick and sometimes delusional grandma, she even spent most nights in the hospital. each day i would visit i would see a woman fighting to hold on for life while most of her daughters waited for her die. as she was released from the hospital her condition deteriorated rapidly. i can remember it was only a few months ago that she was able to walk and feed herself. each step of the way, my mom was there. she spent all day at my grandma liza and did everything from feeding her to rubbing lotion on her feet to even cleaning her tongue. up until the very end my grandma kept her wit and sarcasm. she would tell my mom that she "had to go to church and pray for forgiveness" when my mom would move her and she would feel slight pain. the one thing i learned from my grandma was strength and will. she was fighting against the odds  and at one point was given only two weeks to live. she surpassed and made it to whatever she was fighting to hold onto. although i've heard of my grandma's hard side seeing her lie in bed weak and helpless there was nothing i could feel but love for this woman who no matter how much money she had, or didn't have, found a way to give me a card and present for every birthday and holiday. (even if it was a scary porcelain doll) i never counted her as a "great" grandmother, only as a grandma. her kisses were wet and her lips wrinkled, but she was always there to ask how i was doing in school and tell me that she loved me. 

on the car home today my mom told me that my auntie terry asked her to pick out the outfit that my grandma would be buried in (and they wanted to go to mervyns, my grandma's favorite) and it was not until i heard that was i hit with the reality that my grandma had died and i would never see her again. i know it would be selfish to wish she was still here but i do miss her and i hope wherever she is, she is peaceful, happy, and playing lotto with my grandpa. 

i hope that her funeral is held on the day this week that the cloud and rain have cleared and the only thing above is blue skies, because that's what this fighter deserves, 

i've never lost anyone this close to me, except my grandma (my dad's mom) but i was too little to remember much. i'm not sure how to handle death and i'm not sure how long it will take until i feel better, but the only way i know how to cope is through music, and ever since my mom started taking care of my grandma, my mom said this song reminded her. so here's to you grandma liza,

close your eyes, clear you heart, cut the cord 

i'll miss you greatly 

Post 026.

Rain Drops Keep Falling On My Head. . .

but that does not mean that i am dead.

so it begins, the rain is here, and a day earlier than i expected. although i was not prepared, no umbrella, no tights, not extra warmth, i am still happy. my hair may be curling and my shoes might be flooding with water (i need a new pair bytheway. christmas present anyone?) knowning that this new starts and freshness is ahead makes all those little things not matter. i can't wait to wake up in the next few days and look out past my balcony to see brand new clear skies. oh how i love the changing weather.

now only to get through these last couple days at school.

Post 025.

someone might get hurt, but it won't be me

slowly i've started to realize that as much as i love him, i  still have kept a part of me locked. it's not that i have stopped loving or allowing myself to be loved, i am open to that, 

it's just that i'm protecting myself more. i kind of expect the worse so that i won't be hurt like i was before. in the back of my mind there is a lock a lock to protect myself. i know it might not be the best way to look at things and it might be considered bitter, but honestly, i've been hurt too much and too badly that i need to guard myself. i wish i didn't have to. i wish i could be completely open, but i'm scared. there were a few days that he didn't respond to any of my phone calls or texts and although i was sad i felt like if a breakup was to happen again, i would be able to handle it, without going into that state i was previously in. it scared me. i don't want to be like that. i guess it's just picking which scares me less, holding back or getting hurt. 

Post 024.

water washes away. rain brings a new start. sometimes i feel like i need a new start. with the new year should come new rain and new opportunities. 

if only it rained more in los angeles, i think i would feel cleaner, have more fresh starts. 

actually, i believe it should rain every sunday. sort of wash away the week, whether good or bad, so monday morning when you wake up and put on your shoes and step out the door everything is starting with a fresh slate, a fresh attitude, and a fresh face. 

the morning after a night of rain is always the sweetest. dew on the flowers and heads of insects, puddles for jumping, and a bright blue clean sky. 

my feelings toward people, school, and myself, needs a revival. i need to be like the dew on flowers. i need to take down one of those yellow umbrellas and dance in the rain until i feel new, happy, and excited, because excitement is good. 

p.s. it's suppose to start raining december16th. what a great day for a cleanse.

Post 023.

thought someone would like to know

Post 022.

four winds blowing through her hair

every time i listen to bright eyes, or any conor oberst collective, i am struck with this feeling of joy. most of his songs aren't written about "joyful" topics or anything that makes me particularly happy, but as i listen to each of his tracks that has found its way to my itunes (over 130+) i feel hopeful because he is one of the only artist that i feel brings not only his emotion, but pure talent to everything he does. each of the five times i have seen, it's felt like i was experiencing something no one else has, originality and a bond that developed between conor, myself, the auidence, and the music. for out of all the new artist that receive whatever "indie praise" from the new music magazines, conor has always been the most original and an artist who actually seems to be in it for music's sake and not the fans, the fame, or the acclamation. seeing him live gives me chills and as i stare at him upon the stage i am mesmerized. and not only does seeing him live amazing, but each time i listen to him on cd or an even in an interview the talent there exceeds almost everything (current) that i know. 

moral of the story, i love the talent, emotion, and sincerity that is conor oberst. 

Post 021.

i hope you're on the other end

if only every conversation was this close.

Post 020.

because at heart i am a fafinette

i have decided that the one material item i would like for christmas is,
the fuji instax "Yone x Cheki" camera.

it's an amazing instant camera (woo bring the instant film back) designed by the japanese photographer equivalent of dov charney .
the box it comes in is designed by french graffiti artist fafi and it comes with a pack of instant film in which the white contains fafi graff!
the price is reasonable since it's through the amazing lomography, and it is definitely on the top of my christmas list.
let's hope santa a leave it under my charlie brown tree.

ahh, i am so excited the christmas season is here. my grandmas has decorated her santa room and i finally got my hands on my favorite johnny mathis cd.

in a few weeks i hope to be hosting a christmas soiree, oh and can't forget the ice skating.
now only to make it through school and to winter break.

p.s. it's friday, so that means lunch with kiwii and an update for http://Indierental.blogspot.com

check, check,check it out

Post 019.

when i take a picture of myself, most times i am left wondering "am i really that pretty? do i actually look like that?" it's a strange feeling. maybe i'm just photogenic and look nothing like how i do in my pictures, maybe i do look like these pictures i take and i just don't realize it. it might be just another form of self-consciousness.

just the thought of pictures is so amazing. being able to capture a moment, a person, a memory, in a little flash that you can keep with you forever. before i never understood how powerful they were and just took them to take 'em. i would upload then delete, maybe that is why now i strongly advocate for everyone having one non-digital camera. computers may crash and pictures may be deleted and there is just something so powerful about holding a photograph in your hand, taking a pin, and posting it to your wall. memories. 

Post 018.

i've been sick for 5 days and it has been terrible. sore throat, fever/chills, body and ear ache. check, check, check. i have tried everything in the book. my grandma even heated banana peels and placed them on my neck, yet nothing has work. i have had plenty of absences and i'm scared to miss anymore school. although i love the rain and the weather that goes along with it, i am afraid of this continued sickness. so i honestly say 

rain, rain, go away. come again another day.

p.s. free dj am show on friday. i can't wait to see him again. it will be amazing, i know it. am! am! 

Post 017.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. . .

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand

so close that your eyes close as i fall asleep

i've never felt more loved or any more special than the night i was sick 

and my boyfriend tucked me in, found me medicine, made me tea, rubbed me where i ached, then awoke in the middle of the night when i was hot and got a damp towel to dab my forehead. i never knew that love like that could exist or would be there for me. i never knew a person, besides my mother or grandmother, who would stay awake after i've fallen asleep to make sure i was ok. i never knew all of this existed and it's been under my nose for so long. 

also when someone, with truth in their eyes, says you're beautiful after a sleepless, sick night, you know it's real love.

and i am grateful 

Post 016.

To Die Will Be An Awfully Big Adventure

but what will it be for those left living? i have never lost a close family member, a close anyone really, and now as my great grandma has been giving a week to live, fear is building inside of me. my great grandma is old and in pain, so i guess it's best to be relieved of the suffering, but who is going to be the foundation of our family. how am i going to feel? to act? to respond? what are the normal responses to death? this woman has always been in my life and her house has been opened to me more times than i can count. her old white wrinkly skin and frail bones always there to hug me and her wrinkle lips to kiss me when i was sick. and how is it that death can tear a family apart. i just want the best for everyone. i just want to know how to cope 

hate this.

Post 015.

These are a few of my favorite things; a Christmas Wishlist

although we have yet to reach thanksgiving, the year is winding down and the christmas spirit is starting to excite me. i love the weather, the fashion, and the all around christmas joy. i love

the smell of christmas trees, warm cookies, and my grandma's tamales.

the lights that wind around the tree reflect the joy in my christmas eyes. Oh, the gift giving, picking out presents and making mix tapes that fit my closest friends, as we all bundle up for a night of ice skating at pershing square. that christmas feeling is here as well as a list of things i would like to find under my charlie brown tree: 

1. a keyboard, because my wanting to become kate nash grows bigger each time i listen to her. plus piano has always sounded so lovely.

2. accessories for my Diana F+, my most expensive but definitely my favorite hobby

a. lomography flash 

b. lomography 38mm wide angle lens,  55mm wide and close up lens, 20mm fisheye lens

c. lomography spiltzer 

d. 35mm film adapted 

e. fujicolor pro 400iso 120 size 

3. Fuiji Instax Camera + Film; psh if polaroid wants to take away my instant film, i'll just find other resources. like this sweet japanese baby!

4. a typewriter, because typing everything up in a word document gets old. bring back the 1800s

5. hello kitty beach cruiser (hello kitty anything)

. . . and more to come at a later date

Post 014.

New Obsession? Dr. Dog 

i was driving in the car and a Dr. Dog song started playing from the mix cd that was made. at first i wasn't sure who it was so i had to check and i was told it was the now wonderful in my eyes, Dr. Dog. There was something different about them, sure they're probably becoming super alt-friendly but at least it's not GirlTalk (they're good too). Dr. D has a great psychedelic beats and catchy lyrics. It great music to just feel and dance to. Plus they covered one of my favorite architecture in helsinki song Heart it Races, and did a better job than aih, to me at least. i think everyone should look past their "indie praise" and give them a chance because for being so close to mainstream, they're amazing, and my new obsession. 

Songs to Check Out : Ain't It Strange/ Heart It Races/ The Breeze/ My Old Ways 

Post 013.

And there will never be anything quite like this moment

life is made up of a more than a million moments, and each one is different. different in the way you respond or the way a moment responds and effects you. yesterday i was able to experience two things that changed me in two very different ways. the first was one a situation i will never put myself in again. although i was able to gain that outside view on my life i did not like it. i was buried way too deep in my thoughts, somewhere unsafe, and time became my enemy. i also looked into the eyes of the person who means the most to me and mirrored back was a vacant look. a lost, sad, lonely gaze that i never want to see from those eyes again. but at least i am able to say i have gone there and back, degrassi-esque? 

then in that same day, i was able to live a moment that other will be hearing about for months, maybe even years to come. although i have seen Ima Robot 4 times before last night, i had never seen them like this. live in a backyard in east los angeles. yes, i was at their secret ela show. early last week my

 boyfriend told me his band hello my name is red was opening up for Ima Robot. i waited for saturday all week long and when the night finally came it was better than i could have ever expected. Red had one of the best sets i've seen, and Ima Robot took my breathe away, yet again. They played some of my favorite songs which included, 12=3, alive, and let's talk turkey, but i was also able to be up front dancing and holding hands with both the beautiful AlexEbert and Kiwii. i danced like i'd never danced before and took great pictures with the new flash and color film for my Diana. also there was a ryan gosling sighting (loves it when celebs can be just like us, especially in ela) the night ended with a stop at ihop and cuddles with the baby boii. you can't pick the moments that change your life, but when you feel them happening you can live them to their fullest, it makes life more than interesting. 

Post 012.

i disgust myself.

i feel awful

Post 011.

"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!"

i stare in the mirror. i can never tell when my looks have changed, to me i always look the same, but can that be because i see myself everyday. but, i see my mother everyday and i can tell when she looks different. maybe, it is because i am too close to notice, but how can i step away, step away and see what i've become. how i have both physically and mentally changed since the start of highschool. sure i know how the clothes i wear have varied and changed but i wish i could sometimes be the omnious view of my life. looking down upon the things i have done and the person i am slowly becoming. if anyone knows any methods to remove themselves like this, besides the occasional consumption of drugs, please let me know. i think it would be a facsinating talent to have.

but now, to the original question, "who in the world am i?" 

today i was sitting on the bus, people watching as usual, and was preoccupied with wondering if any of the people i saw really knew that answer. i know i don't but i hope to make the rest of my life a quest to finding that answer, kind of like siddhartha 

Ah the great puzzle

Post 010.

More often than not i find myself daydreaming.
Maybe it's the change of weather, the fact that my future is in the palm of my hands, or maybe just because i've finished my assignment in my computer graphics class.
When daydreaming many thoughts and images flow through my mind, as a stare into this pale white room.
Many things i see myself doing, having a picnic at the park down san vincente or spending all day wrapped up at book soup, but the one thing i always seem to see is that house, the perfect house with the red door and inside a room of teacups and friends.
One day i hope to make this fantasy real because it's such a vivid image now.

With all this daydreaming that consumes my time in wasteful classes i feel just like Alice.
Perhaps i've just watched that movie or read that novel too many times, but as i realize how much we both have daydreamed it makes me nervous.
I can't just imagine things, i have to make them a reality.
And i will, because i want to, and when i want things i always seem to get them.




P.S. very exciting news: my boyfriend's band is playing with imarobot on saturday. i've never been this excited for a house show.

Post 009.

i love the weather today, it's full of gloom and melancholy 

although those emotions are expressed in the sky and temperature, i feel nothing like this 

i'm sitting here wrapped in a blanket on my best friends couch as we wait for our friends to gather in this home in east la. 

today i have realized how great time is. it can either be your friend, or your enemy 

this time last year i was a complete different person with different friends 

not only was i different, but the world around me was different 

this time last year i was staring face-to-face with one of the lowest points i've faced

and at the time i did not think i would make it out alive, and here i am 

standing on top, the champion. 

here i am, ready to face the world, to face anything that is handed to me 

Post 008.

possibly the biggest turn off, ever?

imagine sitting there then all of a sudden a perfect head of hair catches your eye. the right amount of scruff, if that's what you're into. as your eyes make their way down this person you see a great outfit then finally, in the home stretch, you see a pair of these 

crocs! not only the worst fashion trend of past decade, but one of the biggest turn offs ever. 

i don't care how comfortable they are, or how much you think a pair a gray crocs will camouflage with a pair of your alt gray chords, crocs are always apparent, and an eye sore.

now that we have elected obama, and our world is taking a step forward, let's make sure no one is taking that step in a pair of crocs. my suggestion? a mass burning of these god awful creations. let's burn them like the christian's burned beatles records after they said they were bigger than god. 

down with rubber shoes! down with crocs! REVOLT!

Post 007.

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)

in your life people come and go, but if you're lucky enough, you stumble upon someone who gives you this feeling that  you know they're suppose to be in your life. no matter how hard the cards try to tear you apart there is something in the stars that pulls you together. 

i have found mine, or better yet, we have found each other. 

we've faced the world together, turned our cheeks to the sun, and together we can endure all. 

and because of everything we've been to up to this point, i fear no fate, because for now, that's what he is, my fate. 

post 006.

although i was not able to go out and vote 

i am excited to be living history, because that's what's happening 

i'm sitting here watching CNN 

and i'm sorry if
 

anderson cooper isn't enough reason to watch what's going on this moment

then i sure hope your future is. 

We are moments away from possibly, hopefully, and most likely electing our first black (african american if i should be all p.c)

president, and in a time that change is so crucial to how society will function. 

we're staring face to face with change and it's in our hands 

i hope everyone who can vote, has or will sometime before the polls close. 

we're living that "where were you when...?" moment

and it feel awesome! 

Post 005.

please everyone vote

keep it tuned to CNN or some other various new source 

this is history 

oh, and

Post 004.

today many people have questioned me 

with everything ranging from my role in the oxfam dinner i'm hosting 

to if i'm rollin on halloween and why

basically, they have questioned me about things they don't need to know

then when i ask why they're questioning me, 

i receive cryptic messages 

so my question is 

when did even decided to start being the riddler 

isn't that jim carrey's role

and is even just doing it because that's they're halloween costume 

and they're trying to get in character, again like jim carrey

oh, and when is american appy going to start making a Riddler print?!

they need to get on it!

Post 003.

it's sad because i actually can't vote 

and that isn't sarcasm

they only want you when you're seventeen

well actually they want you when you're eighteen 

ladytron lies

but for everyone who is 18, please vote

vote for change no one wants 4,8, or 16 years of the same thing

inspiration for us all

because honestly, who doesn't love celebrities joining together for something 

it's especially exciting to see snoop dogg promoting something that isn't just the legalization of mary jane 

post 002.

do people in France name their children France?!

how about people in Germany?!

what about a little boy named Uzbekistan?!

well here's to you America

i mean America 

post 001.

what better to be for halloween than 

shitfaced lalohan?! now all i need is 

oh, and i can't forget my $120 lalohan leggings